"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to BLOOM…This is the Element of Freedom"

-Alicia Keys

22 August 2009

This is what happens when...

You are planning a wedding, buying a house and moving into it and having your five year old start kindergarten, all at the same time:

  • Housecleaning goes by the wayside, because really, what is the point? I have bigger fish to fry, like packing and picking out flooring
  • Buying groceries...what groceries? Seriously, I feel bad that my kid is eating peanut butter & jelly/honey...a lot. But at least it is all organic!
  • We are eating what we have on hand, which cuts back on what I have to pack up and we waste less.
  • The only crafting going on here involves wedding crafting, which I am enjoying immensely.
  • Sleep. what sleep? Seriously, I have been averaging about 4 or 5 hours a night. Funny, I am exhausted at work at 3pm, but W-I-D-E awake at 1am.
  • Been talked to by your boss (who is a lovely person by the way) because you "seem distracted" at work. I do feel bad about this one. I love the people I work with, but the job itself is a round peg, square hole kind of a deal. But it is my job and it pays my bills and provides me with great health care...which is something to be very grateful during this time in our nation's history. I had to give myself a talking to last night.
  • I have experienced a few episodes of "WTF am I doing?!?" followed by "W.o.W, what an adventure this is!"

All in all, even though life is completely crazy right now, I have been truly enjoying it. I am savoring each moment, as I know that it will be over before I know it and I will be married and moved into our house. Planning this wedding has taught me so many things about planning, organizing, knowing what is really important (and let me tell you, it is not what wedding favors you give out) and knowing when to let go. I have made it a point to be joyful and appreciative of where I am in my life, because I know that someday I will look back and be so glad that I enjoyed it and had fun. I have taken myself too seriously for far too long and I am o-v-e-r it. I think that is one of the blessings of turning 30. I know what I am good at and I know where I lack some skillz at things, but I am OKAY with it now, instead of feeling like I am a loser because I am not so good at organizing paper or keeping every single thing written down on my To Do list. I think that is also where my frustration is originating from with my job. I am talented in creative things and I never use these talents at work...OK, so sometimes I do when I am working on spreadsheets because no spreadsheet of mine is going to be ugly or boring, no matter what data is in the actual spreadsheet. I have actually been told on several different occasions that my spreadsheet was "beautiful" and once it was even called "cool." Now that is skill...too bad that is how desperate I have become, that I spend time designing spreadsheets that take people's breath away, filled with data that no one gives a shit about! I am not a very good receptionist and I know that it is probably painfully obvious to everyone that I work with, but how I wish that I could stand up and shout, "I may totally suck at ____________, but I am really, really good at other things, damn it!" But alas, shouting those things in your place of work will, without a doubt, get your ass fired. Plus, I work with some great people and I wouldn't do that to them. But when someone tells me "why are you filing like that? I don't do it that way," I want to tell them, "holy shit lady, I hate filing with a passion. Plus, I suck at it. If you are so good at it, why don't you file today and I am going to go and work on remodeling my new/old 1957 ranch that I just bought and be the creative, imaginative, out-of-the-box-thinker that God created me to be. If you need me, you can reach me at extension I-don't-even-care-anymore. Have a wonderful day answering the phone that rings no less than 200 times a day!"

But I digress. I know that I am where I am at for a reason & I do appreciate having a job where I love my office ladies and we have a great time together. But, I often wonder what it would be like to have a job where other people thought, "wow. Elizabeth is awesome at_______. She is an amazing designer! I want her to design ______ for me." This is where I pray that someday I will have a job that allows me the flexibility to design from home because no matter what, I will never take my kid to daycare 5 days a week again. I have had 5 years of that, thankyouverymuch and I will not do it again. I will have job that allows me to design to make other people's lives a little bit better and to bring good design, whether it is through interior spaces, graphic design, whatever it may be, to all people, not just to those who can afford it. I want to be able to help people, especially children. I know that I no longer look at kids like I did before I had one. I realize now how valuable they are to our world, their innocence and their sense of wonder of it all, makes me really appreciate them.

I said that "I will," not I "want" this for my job, because I know that it will happen. I have plans in the works...

But all the while, still staying grateful for the life that I have been blessed with...

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